It isn't too late for a 2019 rundown, yeah?
While I could easily say that 2019 was a good year in general, I cannot deny the fact that I also almost gave up on a lot of things. Looking back at my 2018 run down last year, I thought the way it ended would give me so much positivity for 2019. I was wrong.
I cried a lot of times. I hated myself for not being able to go back to my previous self. A lot of times I felt that I was just forcing things, myself, life, love, happiness.. It was pretty frustrating. I was frustrated the most at myself because I wanted to be really okay after everything that happened in 2018. I tried convincing myself that what happened had to happen. That it'll all be for the better. That it would only make me/us stronger.
Unfortunately, the more I try to convince myself to leave everything behind and be better, the slower my progress in moving on had become. I was even 100% sure that staying was just a matter of sunk cost fallacy. I eventually told myself to just let it be. Ready to give up when another blow comes up.
I don't know how or when it started happening, but I eventually found myself genuinely enjoying the little things again. It could be because I talked to other people about what I was feeling. Maybe it was because of that emotional conversation that we had. Or maybe because I stopped putting so much pressure in myself to be okay again. I was just so thankful I started feeling better.
But have I really forgotten everything? Have I moved on completely? Honest answer is NO. It would still hit me out of nowhere. Truth is, I feel like I will be scarred for life. Typing this makes me want to bawl. I've been trying to finish up this entry for more than a week now but I couldn't finish it because I always feel like crying every time.
I wanted to make this entry to lean more on the positive and hopeful side, but it's going to a different kind of direction each time I attempt to finish this. But then I thought, there's where I would get stuck before. I tried so hard to conceal what I was truly feeling. I tried so hard to stop what I was feeling. I did all I could to convince myself to be okay -- and all those didn't help.
Yes, I still hold grudges against some people. I know I am not going to get any apology because these people believe in a different version of the story. I just feel bad that even this one person whom I genuinely liked and cared for, I couldn't look into her eyes anymore. It hurts me so much because I thought she knows me and the other person well enough to weight the situation rationally. Unfortunately in this case, blood is thicker than water. I can't do anything about it. I'd like to just think that some people are really not meant to hold a special place in our hearts.
So here I am. Pushing myself to finish and publish this already. Because there is absolutely nothing wrong if I still feel the pain because it was really that painful. Acceptance is the key, really. Disappointment and heartache can really be excruciating but for sure, something beautiful and stronger will come out from it.
I pray to continue moving forward and hopefully let go of the grudges that I still hold with me. My mind wants it badly and I hope my heart cooperates and let me be grudge fee this 2020.
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